Silence Speaks Volumes

Everyday my place of business provides me with so much material, I could have written a book.  Not bad material, funny stuff in my opinion (even if not in some others' opinion), and my own personal observations. Being of a snarky and sarcastic nature and at any given moment throughout my day there are comebacks on the tip of my tongue even if the conversation is not directed at me.  Of course I keep my sense of humor to myself, I know all about appropriate time and place for everything, yada, yada, yada.  I censor most of what I say at work and make sure that when I do get downright crass or tacky, only people who won't judge me for it are around.  I know that not too many people can appreciate a story involving a gay friend, a cruising spot, a random encounter, sh**, and a toxic creek somewhere in Jersey, so I don't tell it at social gatherings.   That got me thinking, I censor myself at work and I certainly censor myself here to an extent. Like my pal Squishy Kuma said, once you post, it is on here forever! This is obviously something to keep in mind when I am thinking about unloading my thoughts on the internet, where anybody can read them.  Yeah, HA! I should be so lucky.  Nevertheless there is no point in taking any chances.  After all I still need a job, at least until this whole writing thing takes off.  And it will, because to think otherwise would just send me into a shit spiral of depression the likes from which I may never recover...a bit dramatic I know, but, for reasons I cannot disclose here (as much as I may want to...and believe me I DO), it is not far from the truth...I could always plead Tourette's but that defense doesn't work as well when it is the written word. Boooo.
So rather than wallow in the muckiness of what I can't say and how much I want to say it, I choose to channel all of that negativity into the positivity that is Oprah. Yes, in my mind I have been on Oprah several times, first, promoting my memoir of how my husband and I met (which I am actually in the midst of writing, hope it makes the book club!) and second, to promote the film which has been made of my memoir (I have not decided who will play me as of yet, but Gael Garcia Bernal would be perfect for the hubbs).  There is a definite resemblance.  Anywho, so rather than go all postal from biting my tongue, I sit there and drift far, far away.  Oprah is as lovely and as gracious in my head as she is in real life.  And in my alternate reality I am a successful author whose insurance days are FAR FAR behind her, who can say anything she wants and who doesn't need to worry about stepping on any toes.  THAT is who I am.  Well, at least in my head, that is who I am. And right now when my voice is somewhat stifled my imagination is what helps maintain my sanity.  As I remain quiet on the outside, on the inside I am as vociferous as  I wanna be.  And it is awesome!!  It is these daydreams which keep me writing, and keep me hopeful that this effort (truly my "labor of love"), will someday soon make my flights of fancy an amazing reality that surpasses anything I could have envisioned. for myself sitting in my cubicle day in and day out.  Acting as incentive to get things off the ground and into the stratosphere, is the fact that Oprah is set to end her show in two years...and if I am going to make that dream come true, I better do a whole lot more than sit on the subway or at work imagining what our interview would be like.
I have come to accept that there are certain characteristics about myself that need to be muted for the time being, but I can't wait for the day and opportunity to come when that will no longer be an issue.  And when that time comes, there is no telling how far I can go or how loud my voice will be.